YEAH, THAT'S AWKWARD

Since we've been in Taiwan I (Phil) have had students tell me they love me and I've had them hug me in the middle of class. I've had 7th and 8th grade girls stare and giggle at me for a few minutes straight while I'm trying to help other students. I've even had a 7th grade boy pat my butt twice in one class period. These have all been awkward moments for me. Throw in the fact that I can't communicate with anyone about these situations and it magnifies the awkwardness by at least five.

Even though I've experienced many awkward things since I've been here, nothing compares to what happened to me on Tuesday October 6th, 2009. It's still hard for me to believe that this event actually happened to me and if I could've voted I would've voted that it happen to someone else. Situations don't come any more awkward than this.

The bus I take after school usually leaves the Huwei bus station between 5:45 and 6:00. It is about a fifteen minute walk from my school to the bus station so I usually leave school at 5:25 to ensure that I won't miss my bus. Some days I wait five minutes others I wait fifteen minutes or longer. On Tuesday the 6th my bus came at 5:55, allowing for the following story to happen. Dang buses.

As I approached the bus stop I could see it was much busier than normal, maybe 20-25 additional people. I also noticed what looked like a junior high boy running and jumping in front of the bus stop. He went back and forth from in front of the ticket window to 20 or so feet right of the ticket window, pausing a couple of seconds before heading back the other way. He would run a couple of steps and jump. I thought he was just being goofy because when he jumped his arms did not move like they would when people jump “normally”. His arms stayed stiff right by his sides. I thought “what a goof ball, why is he running around and jumping when there are all these people here?”

When I arrived at the bus stop I saw that it was not a junior high boy being goofy. In fact it was a girl, in her early 20's, with a disability. I felt bad. I immediately apologized to her in my head. I got in a long line to get my ticket and she was still running and jumping. I want to take a quick moment and say that I had not seen this girl at the bus station before, so my best guess is that she was really excited to ride the bus. Anyways, as I waited in line and watched her jump around, I wondered if there was anyone with her. I took a quick look around and I didn't see anyone.

Around the third or fourth time she ran and jumped her way to the ticket booth she noticed me. It was very obvious she noticed me because she walked towards me and starred at me. Now, in my short time here in Taiwan I think I have developed a pretty good strategy for when people stare at me. Once I know they are looking at me, I look at them, make eye contact so they know I see them staring and then look away and hope they stop staring. She continued to stare, very hard. I'm talking leaned over, head tilted, eyes fixed only on me, stare. I tried to play it cool and just look forward and ignore her, but she just kept right on staring. If I were to exaggerate the amount of time she stared at me I would say an hour, but realistically it was probably at least a minute or two. Is it just me or is that not a long time to be stared at? I finally broke down and looked at her again and smiled. Oh, that made her incredibly happy. So happy, in fact, that she felt the need to scream and clap her hands very loudly. I thought for sure that everyone would be looking at her or me, but when I glanced around nobody had even flinched. No reaction whatsoever.

Getting stared at for a few minutes is awkward, but I haven't even gotten to the good stuff yet. This next part get a little PG-13. After I purchased my ticket I went and sat down on a bench to relax and wait for my bus, which I was hoping would arrive any moment. My staring friend was now standing about fifteen feet to my left and facing away from me. It seemed as though she forgot about me, but she hadn't. I think she was probably planning what she was going to do next. :) After a few moments of relaxation I tensed up when I saw her look at me and start walking towards me. I really didn't want to deal with another stare down, but what was I going to do. It was too crowded to hurry out of my spot... and I was comfortable on the bench. She put her face about a foot away from mine, a highly uncomfortable distance. She stared at me for a few moments and then she wrapped her arms around my neck and proceeded to kiss me on the lips!

I bet you’re wondering how I didn't see it coming or why I didn't stop her. Quite frankly when I saw her face a foot away from mine I wanted to kiss her too. Just kidding! :) Really what happened is I was just taken by complete surprise. Once her arms were around my neck I struggled to unlock them...she was either stronger than I expected or I just didn’t want to hurt her in the process. As for the kiss...it left something to be desired. I don't even think our lips touched really. Her top lip was above mine and her bottom lip was below mine. My mouth was sealed shut and hers must have been...I don't even want to think about it. Technically I think she kissed my mouth and I kissed her teeth. The kiss lasted a dreadful 3-5 seconds because I couldn’t undo the death lock she had around my neck. I'm sure 3-5 seconds doesn’t sound that long, but if you actually count out the seconds and then picture getting kissed by a complete stranger, then it'll feel pretty long.

After I managed to pry her arms and face off me, as politely as I could I said, “No.” and shuffled through people to get away. I went to the back of the sitting area and just stood there, looking at the ground. I didn't know what to do. I had no one to talk to or laugh with about what just happened. Once again no one seemed to notice what just happened. They all just stood there waiting for their bus. No laughter, no whispers, and no eyes looking at me. It was weird. A couple of minutes later her bus came and picked her up. She made sure to wave goodbye to me and then hopped on the bus, happy as could be. I'm sure she thought she had just kissed David Beckham. :)

This kiss would have been painful no matter who the stranger was. I cringe if I have to think about kissing someone besides Annalicia (Note: Randy and Lynda - I only kissed your daughter once and that was at our wedding...Peter made me). Matter of fact I cringe when I think about holding someone else's hand (Note: Randy and Lynda - I'll admit we do hold hands). This was a pretty traumatic experience for me and when I got home and told Annalicia she busted out laughing right in my face. She loved it and thought it was so hilarious. She didn't give me hug and show sympathy, she just laughed uncontrollably, while I stood there traumatized. I had to wait a few minutes before I could even tell her the whole story.

Usually I don't kiss and tell...but my wife made me.

One more reason I should have a scooter, don't you think?